♪ Theme tune
Ripped By mstoll
Oliver. Wait!
Yes. Yes. All right, then, Mum. No, I'll be there. I promise.
See you in an hour or so, then. Bye.
Poor mum. She's got to go into hospital today.
What did she do? Strain her tongue?
It's her leg. As well you know.
- I'm going to visit her before she goes in. - Give her my love.
Oh, that'll speed her on the road to recovery.
- I'll see you tonight, then. - Have a nice day.
It will be, knowing you're saving the phone bill by talking to your mother face-to-face.
Late again, Oliver. Sandy really must let you out of bed earlier in the mornings.
Oh. Ha-ha. Hello, Pauline.
Mr Pryde not here, then?
Well, I haven't searched the cupboards yet but I don't think so.
Oh.
I didn't leave my ballpoint here last night, did I?
What does it look like?
No, I haven't seen it.
Oh.
Oh, hello.
- Morning, Victor. - I think I'll look.
What?
I've lost my ballpoint.
Oh, what did it look like?
(Mouths)
Any chance of Sandy changing her mind about going to the do tomorrow night?
What? The dinner dance? No.
She says the tickets are far too expensive.
Anyway, she doesn't really enjoy those sort of knees-ups. Why do you ask?
Oh, I just wondered.
Yes?
No luck, Pauline?
- Luck? - With your ballpoint?
Oh, no. No luck.
Thank you for letting me look, Mr Brown. Thank you too, Mr Pryde.
- What's she thanking me for? - Just for being you.
- She's got it bad, Oliver. - Oh, rubbish.
No, honestly. Any excuse to come in here.
I mean, in the canteen, she sits with her spoon stuck in her Apple Betty.
Can't take her eyes off you.
- Don't be a berk. She knows I'm married. - That's the attraction. The unobtainable.
Hey, why don't you take her to the dance tomorrow night?
- You're joking. - Just for a convivial evening.
I wasn't suggesting nookie behind the bandstand.
Oh, don't be ridiculous. Can you see Sandy letting me go?
I wouldn't want to go. Not without Sand.
Say, good grief. It is bloody unbelievable!
- What is? - Did I tell you that I'd written to Time In?
Lonely Hearts? You're not lonely. You're married.
When she's got a headache, it's pretty lonely.
- Do you mean you advertised? - It's under a box number. It's perfectly safe.
And look what came this morning. I expected two or three but look at this.
There's a load of lovelies just dying for it.
- You don't know they're lovely. - Most of them send a photograph.
Look at that! You wouldn't kick her out of bed, would you?
- Hey, what about your wife? - She wouldn't be in the bed, would she?
Hey, what did you put in the advert, Ken?
- Company director. BOTH: Company director?!
It looks better than a chief clerk's dogsbody.
- Handsome. Sophisticated. BOTH: Modest.
How did you know?
Seeks possessive lady to dominate him.
- Go on. Go on. Help yourself, Oliver. - Good Lord. No, thank you.
They're not to know, you know.
All you do is just ring up and say, "Allo, allo."
Put on a sexy voice.
And you say, "Zis is Box 281, chérie."
- May I? - Hey, Victor.
- Veronica and I have an understanding. - Well, so do Sylvia and I.
We have an understanding. Well, we would do if she understood it.
- No. Go on. Help yourself. - No, thanks. Honestly.
- He's a one-woman man. - Oh, no. He's not.
- Course I am. - Here. Have another one.
Mr Pryde. I thought you'd like to know. I've found my ballpoint.
Well, Dad and I have just come back from taking Mum to the hospital.
I think I'm going to have to stay over a couple of nights, Oliver.
- Stay? - Well, you know, dad's hopeless on his own.
- Well, I'm pretty hopeless too. - Well, you could come over here this evening.
- We could go and see mum in hospital. - Oh, that'd be a great night out.
- I think visiting time is about 7:30. - 7:30? Well, I'll come over.
And we'll go and visit your mum together.
- Will he be long? - Who's that?
- What? - Whispering.
Oh, that's my girlfriend.
- Didn't you know that I had an office lover? - No, I didn't.
- Yeah, well, I'll see you later, darling. - All right. Only if you can drag yourself away.
OK. Bye.
- Sorry, Maureen, did you want me? - Apparently, I can't keep my hands off you.
That's rather convenient as Sandy is at her parent's place for two nights.
Ah. While the cat's away, eh?
I was only joking.
Ah, Oliver. I just came to see if you'd like a couple of tickets for the firm's dance.
- These are going spare. - Sorry, Andrew. Sandy doesn't want to go.
- She's away at the moment. - At her parent's.
Is she? Well, that's splendid. While the cat's away, you know.
(Chortles)
Now, listen, you lot.
I'm sorry if you think I sound prim and old-fashioned
but I would no more think of cavorting while Sandy was away than fly in the sky.
- Something ghastly has happened. - Ken.
- What's this about you having birds to spare? - For those?
- Oh, no. All the spare I can spare went like hot... - Crumpets?
Yes. All right. Thank you.
- Now, Maureen, did you want me? - Well, only in a pure sense, Mr Pryde.
Mr Mandison had a Mr Taylor coming to see him urgently at six.
But he's had to dash off so he said, "Would you hang on and give this to Mr Taylor?"
- Why can't you? - Because you worked on the plans.
- You'll be able to explain the modifications. - Six o'clock?
I shall be late getting to Sandy. Her mother's ill.
Now, if you're looking for a fun evening, come and help us decorate the hall for the dance.
- Chiswick. It's on your way. - We're going.
- No, I'm sorry but I cannot let my wife down. - Look, why I came was...
You know I had 16 letters? I've just found I've only got 15.
- (All talk at once) - Quiet, please.
Thank you.
Oh, hello, darling. Look, it's me again.
- I've got to stay here till six o'clock. - With the girlfriend?
Oh, no. No. No. It's just that Mr Mandison has deputed me to meet an important client.
(Sniggers loudly)
Who is that?
- What? - I'm beginning to think you have got a lover.
Don't be silly, darling. I'll be with you some time soon. OK? Bye.
May I see you to the station, Miss Evans?
And you a married man, Mr Brown?
Are you sure you don't want the tickets? You could buy one and go alone.
- I don't want to go on my own. - Well, take a platonic friend.
Oh, Mr Pryde. When I came to tell you I'd found my ballpoint,
I think I lost my shoe buckle.
It's me again, Sandy. I'm still here.
The person I'm waiting for hasn't turned up.
For crying out loud, Oliver.
You don't think I want to sit in an empty office.
- Well, as long as it is empty. - Of course it is.
- Are you Mr Pryde? - I can hear that girl whispering again.
No, you can't. It's another girl.
Oh, it's another girl, is it?
I'll see you very soon now, darling. Bye.
- Yes? - I'm Mr Taylor's secretary.
He had to go to the works today and he forgot his appointment here.
- He's gone straight home. - Oh, Lord.
- It's all right. I'm taking mail to him. - I was supposed to explain the modifications.
Well, you'd better come with me. As he's put you out, he'll stand us a taxi.
- OK? - OK.
- Well, where are we going? - Chiswick.
At least it's on my way. I just hope my wife doesn't flag us down.
(Low chatter)
Oliver.
Mrs Taylor, I've brought the mail.
- Thank you, Rose. - And this is Mr Pryde.
He has something very urgent for your husband.
He's not home yet.
Oh, dear.
Never mind. He won't be long. Do come in.
- Good night, Rose. - Good night, Mrs Taylor.
Good night, Rose.
Good night, Mr Pryde.
Very nice girl. She'd do anything for my husband.
And probably has.
Let me.
Sorry. So sorry.
It's a wicked world, isn't it?
Let's go where it's warm, hm?
What? Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Now, what would you like to make you even warmer?
I beg your pardon?
Erm...
Well, what have you got? I mean... erm...
You name it and I'll tell you whether I can oblige. Hm?
On second thoughts, I've got a better idea.
- Why don't you do the honours? - Oh.
- Mine's a Scotch. - Oh, right.
Erm... water or soda?
Neat, thank you, Mr Pryde.
Whisky, like my pleasures, I prefer undiluted.
- Help yourself. - Pardon.
Oh. Thank you.
I'll... I'll just have a small one.
Thank you.
- Do make yourself comfortable. - Thank you.
Here.
There?
Right. Thank you.
Bottoms up.
Erm... I wonder whether I might phone my wife.
Of course.
To say that I'm held up.
Oh, thank you.
- Erm... - Oh. Let me hold it for you.
Thank you.
Sorry.
- Hello. - Sorry, darling. I'm still waiting to see Mr Taylor.
If she doesn't believe you, I'll back you up.
Oliver, what's that?
Er... What?
Do you want me to?
That.
Oh, that's Mrs Taylor.
Where are you?
At Mr Taylor's.
- With Mrs Taylor. - Waiting to see Mr Taylor.
With Mrs Taylor?
(Front door slams)
Oh, there he is now.
- Erm... - I'll hold it up.
I'll go underneath.
- Sorry, darling, I must ring off now. - Why?
Her husband's here. I mean...
Oliver, what exactly is going on?
I'll be with you very soon now, darling. Bye.
Mr Pryde.
I'm so sorry. I forgot about the appointment but Mr Mandison's got it all wrong.
Because I knew about the modifications. I suggested them myself.
My wife's kept you happy, has she?
Oh, yes. Very nice.
But I am a bit late getting to see my wife so if you would excuse me...
- Yes, I'll give you a lift. - What?
Oh. No, thank you. I'd like a bit of fresh air.
Then wind down the window.
She's looking a bit low. Better fill her up as soon as possible.
Don't want to run out of petrol with somebody else's wife sitting next to you, do you?
(Laughs)
- Just tell your wife it's all my fault, eh? - Right. Thank you.
Thank you, Mr Taylor.
Evening, Mr Pryde.
A friend of yours?
What? Oh... er...
I know her vaguely.
Allow me.
What?
Clunk, click.
Every trip.
Thank you.
(Engine whines but fails to start)
Blast!
This is the third time he's done this to me. He keeps driving till the needle is on empty.
Well, he can jolly well walk back to the garage and lug a can of petrol back. Serve him right.
My goodness. You do have a lot of friends.
I'm awfully sorry, Mr Pryde.
- What a ghastly evening. - Well, yes. It is a bit.
Not you. You've been very... erm... Very kind.
I wish I could have been kinder.
Good night, Mrs Taylor.
- Maybe we'll meet again. - Yes.
Thank you. Good night.
Good night.
Hello, darling. I'm so sorry.
All right. Where are you?
- I'm in a telephone box. - Finished our little chat with Mrs Taylor?
Don't be silly, darling. I can explain.
Silly? Oliver, every time you've rung tonight...
- there's been some girl on the line. - Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Who's that?
There's been an accident.
- I thought you said you're in a telephone box? - I am.
Must be pretty crowded.
I have to ring for an ambulance.
I have to ring you back. There's been an accident.
Oliver, you're heading for another.
I'll ring you back, darling. I'm sorry. Bye.
Oh, thank you so much. My father's fallen down again.
Erm... what do I dial? Do I need money or anything?
- I don't really know. - No, it's just 999.
Thank you.
Ah. Good evening, Mr Pryde.
It's nice to know somebody hasn't emigrated. Look at it. It's been like a graveyard all night.
You're my second customer this evening and the first one only wanted the gents.
- What you going to have? Usual? - I've just come to phone actually.
What's the matter? Don't I use the right aftershave?
Oh, go on. Have just a half, Mr Pryde.
I'll pay for it.
(Pips)
Hello, darling.
- All right. Where are you now? - I'm in the pub.
I see.
No. No. It's all right. There's nobody here except Joe.
But I'm awfully sorry about the phone box, darling.
You see, this girl... I mean, this old woman...
wanted to phone the ambulance.
Well, I had to let her use the phone, didn't I? Her father had fallen over.
But I have kept ringing you, haven't I?
Yes. Five times. Each time with a different female.
No female this time.
Hello, Mr Pryde.
Then what's that?
What? Well...
Don't say it's a boy with a high voice, Oliver. They wouldn't let him in.
Er... no. But... erm...
Look, I don't know what's going on but dad is very worried about mum.
And I am very worried about mum and you, so just don't visit here for today or tomorrow.
Darling, I can explain.
I'm quite sure you can, Oliver. The day after tomorrow.
- Oh, Sandy, please. - Look, we're going to the hospital now. Bye.
Here we are. On the house.
- With a whisky chaser, please, Joe. - That's more like it.
What a coincidence, Mr Pryde.
Oh, yes. Yes.
Just a pity that you were the sixth 'coincidence' in a row.
Are you waiting for somebody?
I'll be honest with you, Mr Pryde.
I knew this was your local and I came in in the hope of meeting you. Accidentally.
Hello, hello, hello.
I say!
What? Out without your bride, for once, are you, Oliver?
Well, snap. Promise not to tell, you know.
- Come on, chérie. What are we having? - Oh, Mr Pryde. I'm so sorry.
Are you, Pauline? Well, I'm not.
I cannot tell you how glad I am to have somebody to talk to. What will you drink?
A Cherry B.
A Cherry B, it shall be. Set 'em up, Joe.
Oh, and I tell you what. How do you fancy a plate of spare ribs and some crab balls?
Lovely.
How would you like to come to the office dinner and dance with me tomorrow?
Oh, Mr Pryde.
- Snap. - Oh, yes.
He was with this young blonde in a telephone box.
In a phone box? I saw him with a red-haired sexpot in a taxi.
Good Lord!
Then I saw him with a siren flat on his back in a car.
I say. I say. Oliver is a dark horse.
I caught him last night chatting up Pauline in his pub.
BOTH: Pauline?
- Where does he get the strength from? - But I don't...
ALL: Morning, Oliver.
Morning.
- Been burning the candle at both ends? - His candle's got four ends.
I say, is it still Pauline you're taking to the dance tonight, Oliver?
VICTOR AND ANDREW: The dance? - Then you'll want these tickets. £10, please.
- I am not going. - You see? The pace is killing him.
Good morning, Mr Pryde. Good morning. Isn't it a lovely day?
ALL: Lovely. KEN: Lovely. Lovely.
Oh, yes. Oliver, terribly sorry. Must dash.
- Mustn't we? - Oh, yes. See you, Oliver.
- Are you two going to the tea bar? BOTH: No.
- I'll join you. - ANDREW AND KEN: Right.
- I'm glad they've gone. - Yes. So am I.
I wanted to thank you so much for yesterday evening.
Oh.
- Yes. Well... - And inviting me to the dance tonight.
- Yes, well... - And I've had a new hairdo.
- In the lunch hour, I'm buying a new dress. - Well, Pauline...
- I insist on paying for my ticket. - Sorry, Pauline.
I haven't bought the tickets. We're not going. I'm very sorry.
Oh. Well...
It's my wife, you see.
Yes. Yes. I see. Saved me some money, hasn't it?
I had to have my hair done anyway and...
last night was still absolutely wonderful.
(Phone)
Excuse me.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Oh, hello, my darling. - I'll go.
I don't believe it.
No, wait, darling. No, listen!
No, you listen.
Now, I'm definitely staying here another night, Oliver. Dad is very anxious about mum.
I'm trying to keep him cheerful.
- Yeah, what about me? - I'm quite sure you won't be lonely, Oliver.
I'll be home tomorrow.
That should give you plenty of time to serve redundancy notices on your travelling harem.
Pauline's crying.
Well, she needn't. Because I've changed my mind again.
Do you know where she is?
- I'm sorry, Pauline. - Don't go just for me.
No. No. No. I want to go.
If we can get the tickets. Do you know where Andrew is?
- Oh, thanks, Andrew. - Thank you.
Right, Pauline. Come round to my place about seven.
- We'll have drinks. - You know where it is?
- We passed it last night. VICTOR AND ANDREW: Passed it?!
♪ Baby face
♪ You've got the cutest little... baby face
♪ There's not another one to take your place
(Doorbell rings)
♪ My poor heart is jumping
♪ You sure have started something
Oh, hello, darling.
I think I must have left my keys at Dad's.
It's a good job you're in.
I say.
Listen...
Good news. The hospital think that mum's leg will get better without an operation.
She went home this afternoon. Her and dad are just like a couple of love birds.
Hope we can be the same.
I'm sorry, darling. I know I've been horrid. It's just that I was anxious about Mum.
- Forgive me? - Oh, yes.
No whispering girls here, are there?
What? Oh.
- No. No. No. - I'm sorry, darling. I mustn't joke about that.
I know it was all a coincidence. Just like you said.
- Why have you got all that on? - (Doorbell rings)
- Darling, you go and have a lie down. - Darling...
You've had a very hard day. Put your feet up.
Oliver, don't push me.
I'm sorry, darling. Put the kettle on, take your clothes off and run a bath.
Thank you.
- Not late, am I, Mr Pryde. - Sssh!
I'm sorry but, unfortunately, my wife has come back.
Well, I don't mean unfortunately. I'm delighted to see her.
It does mean she will want to go to the dance.
That's all right, Mr Pryde. You go and have a nice time.
- Who is it, Oliver? - What?
What?
Er... this is Miss... erm...
This is Miss... This is Miss... from the office.
And she's very kindly... She brought the tickets.
I didn't tell you, did I, darling? Well, Andrew had two spare tickets for the office dinner dance.
And I thought, well, as I was going to be on my own,
I'd... erm... Well, I'd buy one off him and see if I could flog the other. Do you see?
- Well... - So... er... thank you very much, Miss.
Good night, Mr Pryde.
Good night, Pauline.
Miss.
Well, there you are, darling. Something to celebrate your mother being better.
You weren't going with Miss?
With Miss?
- Oh, you're joking. - Well, I hope I am. She's very young.
But she is very kind. She did bring us the tickets.
Yes. True.
But I have already told you. I don't enjoy those sort of dos.
You mean you won't go?
It's just that I'm so tired.
- Would you mind going on your own? - Oh, no. No, no, no. Well, of course I mind.
Well, if you don't feel up to it...
- Sorry. - Well, I'll be off then, darling. Bye.
You've got plenty of time.
I don't want to be late. There might be a transport strike.
Not since I came home. Don't be silly.
I thought we'd have drink. Celebrate mum's good health.
- Oh, gawd. - I think I'll have a Martini and soda.
Right.
Right, darling. You hold that.
Thank you. Oh.
- Oh, make another siphon, will you? - No, darling. I prefer it neat.
- Well, I don't. - Here. We're out of barbs anyway. Have water.
Oh, sorry, darling.
Yes, so am I.
- Well. - Cheers!
I was going to say, "To Mum."
- Your mother. - Oh, she'd appreciate that.
Yes. Well, I must be off now, darling. Do wait up for me.
- Well, it won't be any fun on my own. - You'll force yourself.
I'll force myself. Right. Bye.
(Door slams to)
Box 281? What's that?
- It's quite nice. - Have you got your breath back now, Mr Pryde?
Oh, do call me Oliver.
Oliver.
I am sorry, but when I suddenly heard your footsteps and all that heavy breathing...
Well, I'm a bit out of practice, you know, running after girls.
- Anyway, here's to a super evening. - Thank you, Oliver.
It was worth the new hairdo and the new dress.
Psst!
Sandy's at the door. They won't let her in without a ticket.
I don't know how to put this, Pauline.
I hope you and your wife have a nice evening.
Well, I'll see you later.
- I mean, you're in now. You can stay. - There won't be a place for me at the table.
In any case. Thank you.
- You must have an invitation, madam. - He's got my ticket.
Oh, very well.
- Hello, darling. - I haven't come to the dance, Oliver.
I hope you and Pauline are enjoying yourselves.
Oh, no. No. She's gone. I can explain.
I don't want to know about her or any of the others.
There aren't any others. Darling, sit down.
Look, the only lie that I have told you has been about Pauline
and I owe you both an apology. It won't happen again.
Yes. Well, will this happen again, Oliver?
I don't make a habit of reading your letters but when exactly did you become Box 281?
I couldn't sit at home
wondering why you had to advertise your charms in a Lonely Hearts column.
Well, I didn't. I must have picked this up at the office.
Ken Chappell put the advert in, not me. I promise.
Chappell? The letter's signed Chappell.
What?
- Signed Chappell? - Hm.
Sylvie Chappell.
(Laughs)
Sylvie. Watch this.
Psst.
Allo, allo, allo. Box 281.
Ooh, mais oui. Allo.
- Letter from your wife. - Oh, thank you.
What?!
Ripped By mstoll